Pallavi Gupta Falling in love with a married man could be stressful. Need a reality check? Learn how to end the relationship if you are having an affair with a married man in this article.
Extra-marital affairs have been frowned upon globally, across cultures.
However, marital infidelity is widely practised. Those who find themselves involved in the taboo are nowhere near the realm of bliss.
Sooner or later, the deceptive allure of the paramour fizzles out, and when you realise the grave mistake, you find it impossible to get out of the quagmire.
Why Is It Difficult to Break Up With A Married Man?
You live in a world of conflicting feelings where everything feels “right” when you are with your lover, but in his absence, the “wrongness” of your togetherness screams in your face.
The lies, the secrets, and the guilt of not living a transparent life can wreak havoc on your mental health.
You have convinced yourself that there’s no future with your lover. But you worry, communicating the same to him would invite unpredictable reactions from him. What if it shatters his heart? Leaves him depressed or hurt? What if he blackmails or gets aggressive? And what about your response? The thought of saying goodbye to love, however illusory it may be, seems crushing!
Will A Married Man Leave His Wife?
The innocuous flirtations followed by an exchange of phone numbers, the endless texts, sexts, calls and trysts left you head over heels in love with him. His maturity, life experiences, way with words, him choosing you over his wife to give his attention pulls you closer to him.
The married man tells why he isn’t happy with his wife anymore and how you fill his void, doesn’t leave any chance to give your ego a boost.
The moments of flight of fancy where he “just gets you” and you do him makes you two inseparable, fused. His thoughts penetrate you even in the most mundane seconds of your life.
You receive a text from him, and your cheeks get a blush.
Is it a blend of passion and guilt? You wonder.
You ignore the guilt until it dawns upon you that you have messed up big time and need to stop.
How to End the Relationship When You are Having An Affair With A Married Man
Not sure about how to end a relationship with a married man? We have rounded up here some ways how you can help yourself emotionally disengage from this unhealthy relationship.
7 Steps to end the relationship if you are having an affair with a married man and break free from the clutches of guilt and shame:
Step 1. Pause All of It
The guilt is there for a reason.
Your guilt is probably the reason why you want to learn how to end an affair.
Recognise and acknowledge the voice within you which wants you to stop before it is too late. That’s the first step towards recovery.
Pause all of it.
Take an emotional vacation for two weeks.
Give yourself time to reflect on the reality of the situation. Is the affair worth all the emotional turmoil?
Step 2. Get A Reality Check: Fantasy Drives Infidelity
Even though you know that getting involved with a married man contributes to ruining someone’s household, you find it incredibly hard to quit the relationship.
That your affair partner has promised to divorce his wife as he doesn’t love her anymore keeps you hoping for the union with your lover.
But ask yourself, has he given you concrete evidence that he will leave her for you? Sure, you have met one of his close friends, but what about admitting the relationship officially?
It’s not easy for a man to break apart his family; when it comes to taking extreme steps, his heart trembles; there is a comfort in the familiarity, safety and warmth in the word called family.
If he can’t divorce his wife or at least confess his love for you publicly, chances are he is just trying to fulfil his need for love, companionship and intimacy through you. But, most probably, that’s what you are doing too!
Stringing “the other woman” along isn’t uncommon, and before you run out of your youth or precious time, think about what is it that you are deriving out of him.
Step 3. Fulfil Your Unmet Needs in A Better Way
Who in their right minds wants to earn the tag of “mistress” or “the other woman”? But then falling in love does rob us of our ability to see things as they are.
Ask yourself would you be able to quit feeling shame if you continue to be with your affair partner? It’s a critical question because unless you do, you would never feel happy.
You deserve someone who can meet your needs in a way you don’t have to feel embarrassed about the relationship.
Maybe you fell in love with him because you were lonely post a break-up, and he was there for you. Perhaps his presence helped you ease the pain of your break-up.
Maybe you fell in love with him because you thought you were helping him feel better from a bad marriage he claims he is trapped in.
Humans need love, companionship, emotional and physical intimacy. Add in the thrill and excitement of a secret extra-marital affair, the people involved in it find themselves stuck with each other.
Your job is to recognise your needs and choose to walk on a path free of duplicity, lies, secrets and uncertainty.
Step 4. Break-up With Him
Once you have made up your mind to end things with your affair partner, please don’t waste any more time thinking over whether to do it or not. Just do it!
This is how to end an affair and break up with a married man!
Have a list of your reasons why you don’t wish to pursue the relationship any further before communicating your decision to him.
He deserves an unambiguous and detailed explanation for the break-up, though. It may feel tempting to be in a rush and get rid of him once you have decided to separate, but that will only amplify pain on either side.
The transition needs time and if you want to stick to your decision, have a buffer time ready for it. Your lover may try to convince you to change your mind, but stand firm with your choice. Once you feel you have given him ample time for this transition, end all the communications with him. Delete his number, any social media accounts you created for communicating with him, or even better is taking a break from the Internet for a while. Stick to this no contact rule and end the affair for good.
Read: How to Stop Missing Your Ex
Step 5. Grieve for the Break-up
Even though the affair was unhealthy, break-up with your lover will give birth to feelings of loss, sadness and anxiety. Unfortunately, you may have to suffer from the pain all by yourself if your relationship was a secret.
That said, let yourself grieve and remind yourself what you did was the best thing to do.
You might feel secondary guilt of leaving your lover as you were involved with him at one point in time. Forgive yourself. Remind yourself that humans are imperfect, and we come with our frailties of character, and it’s up to us to change the course of our life for the better.
You might even have some feelings of resentment and anger towards your lover as he, despite being married, formed a relationship with you. While it’s not right to blame him alone, it would be good for your mental health to forgive him as well. Holding grudges earns nothing, and it just prolongs your pain.
Read: How to Let Go of Grudges and Bitterness
Step 6. Work on Your Self-esteem
A lot of times, we enter an unhealthy relationship because we aren’t sure of our worth. As a result, we seek the attention and validation of others to feel better about ourselves.
None of us is indeed perfect, and we can’t get everything we want in our lives. However, recognising our strengths and what we bring to the table can significantly impact our decision when choosing our lover or a life partner. Some compromises aren’t just worth it.
We all deserve someone who is there for us and who we don’t have to share with someone else. A healthy relationship is free of secrets and any remorse. You feel proud and comfortable being in it and not ashamed or embarrassed by it.
Read: How to Improve Your Self-esteem
Step 7. Date Someone Single and Available
Turn the page. Once you have closed that chapter of your life and are ready to explore the dating game, give your best shot at it.
Learning the lessons from your past, start your journey with a grateful mind.
Meet people who are available and can provide you with the comfort of openness, transparency and honesty in the relationship—someone who can call you their Number 1 and can proudly introduce you to their friends and family.
You are a gem who need to shine out in the open world and not a secret to be closeted.
If you are already married, it would be a better idea to work on your marriage and look for affair recovery therapy. A betrayed spouse would need his own time to heal from the affliction of infidelity.
Conclusion – How to End an Affair
Falling in love with married men is a sticky situation.
If you are struggling with breaking up with a married man, you are not alone. Dealing with conflicting emotions of ecstasy and excitement, guilt and shame, and uncertainty and confusion can steal away the peace of your mind. Realising the unhealthy nature of such relationships are the first step towards ending them. A timely reality-check of the situation, reflection on the voids such relationships fill and taking the courage to correct the course of your life can help you reclaim the calm you deserve in life.
Watch this video here, if you are having an affair with a married man.
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